Hello and welcome back to Unorganized Cooking, where I defy all laws of physics by flipping my kitchen upside down. In this article, we will be analyzing Darwin’s Theory of natural selection at work as we see an adolescent boy mentally and physically injuring himself with an artichoke.

Also, side note: I used to believe that produce would be the worst at combat, like prickly pears having spines only to be defeated by gloves, onions defeated by goggles and an opened window, and peppers being defeated by the pure pleasure of benign pain; but this artichoke puts up a fight. This was a 3v1 and I was not well done for this match but  actually rather rare going into this botanical brawl. For those of you willing to put up a fight with this fierce competitor, here’s a cautionary guide to do so.

Ingredients:

• 2-3 artichokes
• Paprika
• 3-5 eggs
• Ricotta
• Feta
• Onion
• Tomato
• Garlic
• Olive Oil

Cooking Time: 2-3 hours. That’s right–this took me hours.

Instructions:

1. To start this match off right, in a saucepan, fill it 2/3 with water and bring it to a boil. Once the water boils, insert eggs into water with tongs to prevent eggs from cracking (which you’d be able to easily identify if you see foam on the surface of the water), and lower the flame. Cook for around 15-20 minutes or until yolks are solid. Again, UNTIL yolks are solid. Also, set a timer for the eggs.
2. While those are boiling, remove the loose base leaves under the artichoke bulb and cut off the stem without poking yourself with the artichoke spines on the tips of the leaves.
3. Cut off the top of the artichoke with a serrated knife since these things are very fibrous and with kitchen shears, cut off the tips of the artichoke leaves to remove it’s small thorns.
4. Now this is the step where I was really sprinting into blind. What I meant to do was hollow out the smaller inner leaves of the artichoke, and since those were the younger leaves, I expected them to be tender. Boy, was I wrong. This artichoke is angry it didn’t get to flower and it will definitely show it. It felt like I was trying to clean out a sink garbage disposal that was still on. Now one way to do this is to slowly and cautiously remove the inner leaves so the thorns just lightly poke the tips of your fingers. Another way is to use gloves and remove them, but good quality ones. Those things will probably just pierce it like a wasp. One way I haven’t tried yet was removing them once the artichokes are boiled, which you should do for 20-30 minutes, and cooled, which should maybe soften them.
5. Once artichokes are done boiling, with tongs take them out and lay them cavity side down on a plate with paper towels to absorb excess moisture.
6. And there you have it. Artichoke tea! (Just joking. Don’t really drink that! It’s disgusting, even though I shouldn’t be speaking considering I once ate rabbit.)
7. By now, the eggs should be done boiling or burnt in case you forgot to set the timer. Drain the hot water and run them under cold water to cool it down. If you have frozen water in the freezer, try standing that up in the saucepan. Not so sure about the BPA content of your bottle or if it poses any health concerns, but if you’re willing to risk it like I did once, it’ll cool it down nicely and melt the water into a cold drink. Just make sure it’s not a brick of ice or it’ll start cackling. Or you can do it how anybody else would: With ice cubes.
8. In a separate bowl, add 2 tbsp. of feta cheese, double that of ricotta, the egg yolks, and if you wonder what to do with the egg whites, just eat them. Those aren’t going to be used for anything. Add maybe a teaspoon of paprika and some salt.
9. Dice  1/8 onion, 2-3 grape tomatoes, and mince 6 cloves of garlic. I had to use a fork because I lost my mincer. In a pan of preheated olive oil on low heat, add all of these ingredients and make sure not to splatter and burn yourself with oil. Cook and stir for 4-6 minutes and then add these ingredients into the artichoke stuffing and mix it all together.
10. Opening your artichokes just slightly, add the stuffing until it just slightly peaks out of the artichoke.
11. You are nearly done. Now the way you eat this is, you pull off the leaf, whichever part was connected to the ball, you scrape just the bottom part with your teeth, and repeat that process until you’re left with just the choke, or the center.
12. Like a fool, I forgot to eat the heart, which is the only reason anyone would eat this, let alone anyone who has nothing better to do other than fighting an ancient vegetable with as much food as a rotisserie sparrow, which would probably be more filling than this. Also, try not to eat those grass like hairs in the center. It’s called the choke for a reason, and whether you’re Arti or not you’re still going to have a bad time.

Update: I altered the recipe and added scallions instead of tomatoes. They added a nice sweet flavour to the stuffing. I also finally got a steam basket and the artichokes cooked better. Also, I finally ate the heart. It’s like a green bean too, but has a somewhat creamy texture.